I Was Hoping I Would Have Forgotten More About Having A Baby By Now
I figured two and a half years would be enough time for the momnesia to kick in. I figured by now I would not be able to recall the pain and discomfort of labor and delivery, the delirium and the sleep-deprivation-induced haze of terrible that took over my life the first few weeks after my first son was born.
Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen? Isn’t that how this species continues to evolve? We look back and are only supposed to remember the good, the pleasant, the warm and fuzzy?
Don’t get me wrong. I had a textbook, med-free labor and delivery that I was very happy with. I had a healthy baby (that is if you don’t classify colic as a life threatening disease, which I might argue it should be). But, you know, it was hard, very hard, and I still remember all of that enough to be afraid.
It’s not that I remember so much in detail, though, because, to be honest, I have blocked much of the first 4 weeks of my son’s life from memory. That really isn’t an exaggeration. I look back and can’t remember solid chunks of time. I just have fuzzy recollections of screams (from both of us), stitches, fevers, a trip to the ER, bouncing incessantly on the yoga ball while praying my kid would quit crying long enough for me to sit in a sitz bath, and rubbing steroid cream all over the contact dermatitis I suffered as a result of using the wrong postpartum maxi-pad.
So now, 10 weeks out from when my second is to be born, I find myself freaking out a little bit. Okay, a lot. I remember just enough to be scared out of my mind of all of that repeating itself.
I tell myself I’m better prepared for it this time. I know what colic looks like. I’ve mastered a mean swaddle and shush. I will NEVER buy those maxi-pads again. I can spot mastitis a mile away, but what about the unknown? What if I don’t have a textbook labor and delivery this time? What if the pain is too much, the labor lasts too long? What if my second isn’t as healthy? What if my firstborn freaks out when we arrive home with his new baby sister?
Sometimes I find myself questioning why I even signed myself up for all of this again, wondering how I’ll get through it all while still having to keep my 2 year old alive. But I know this is just a blip in the radar, that in a couple years I won’t remember much anymore, hopefully, and that eventually I’ll look back and miss the tiny newborn days just enough to convince myself it was a good idea.
Plus, I hear second babies are easier. Right? No, really. Don’t burst my bubble. It’s all I have to cling to the next 10 weeks.
Jill Krause is a blogger and member of the BornFree Mom Panel.
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